Crazy, Hazy, and Lazy

“The Chafetz Chayim Lashon Hora Hour”

CRAZY, HAZY, AND LAZY
Schlitzer TV’s new public affairs show has promise, needs a little tweaking

By Reuven Reshet, TV critic for the Schlizter News-Observer

    Rabbi Noah A. (“Al”) Kohol, the current Schlitzer Rebbe, has been attempting to broaden his outreach efforts to ensure that all American Jews, and, indeed, all Americans are exposed to true Purim Torah. For, as the Rebbe says, “if all Jews, just for one day observed all of the laws of Purim Torah, then the messiah would surely come.” And if this is true if Jews observed Purim Torah, then it is even more true if Jews actually observed real Torah. Unfortunately for those of us who had to endure the first installment of Schlitzer TV’s initial foray into the Public Affairs arena, the message is that, well, don’t pack your bags and expect to be transported to Eretz Yisroel in messianic rapture any time soon.

    With the establishment of Schlitzer TV, the Rebbe is ready to beam his message with laser-like intensity straight into the brains of Jewish couch potatoes everywhere. Of course, Schlitzer TV is already known in the industry for its entertainment division, including such prime-time blockbusters as “Mr. Edelman,” featuring Edelman the talking horse whose knowledge of the halachot (Jewish Law) concerning animal welfare exceeds that of his endearing, but rather bumbling rabbi owner. But the Rebbe is not content to ensure that Jews learn that they must feed their pets before they themselves eat, he also wants Jews to be aware of the implications of Torah principles on all of the pressing issues of the day. So, we have the “Chafetz Chayim Lashon Hora Hour.”

    In its favor, the show format is certainly not one of those insomnia-cure sermons that we all endure every week during Shabbos services. The basic concept is that two nationally-known political commentators with opposing viewpoints discuss current events before a specially selected panel of rabbinical experts. When one of the commentators violates one of the precepts of the hilchos halashon (the rules of forbidden speech), any one of the rabbinical panel can sound a buzzer, stop the proceedings, and instruct the guest commentator on exactly which Torah law he or she is violating and how they can rephrase their comment to avoid sin and display true menschlikeit. So far, so good. One would think that such a program would not only inform the Jewish public about the issues of the day, but also teach valuable Torah lessons about the limits of self-expression.

    So what went wrong with such a promising concept? At first, I was more worried about the two political commentators, Mr. Rush Limbaugh and Mr. James Carville. These two guys certainly have opposing views, and based on their past performance, the rabbinical panel would perhaps have too much material for comment. But, alas, it was the Rebbe’s insistence that the panel be truly representative of the entire American Jewish community that led the production astray. Not only did the usual Torah Giants ™ show up, but also rabbis from the Conservative, Reform movements. This would have been OK had the producers made the ground rules very clear. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case, and things got out of control pretty quickly.

    Right from the start, I knew something was wrong when I saw one of the greatest of the Torah Giants of our generation, who shall remain nameless, entering a hermetically sealed airtight booth. This he explained, was so that he wouldn’t have to breathe the same air as another of the panelists, a lady Reform rabbi, whom the Torah Giant referred to as a “member of the clergy of the minim (Jewish heretical sect)” The lady rabbi didn’t help things by referring to her distinguished, if glassed in, colleague as a “male chauvinist pig.”

    Also, for some reason, the producers thought it necessary to have cheerleaders. This was distracting to say the least. Of course, the cheerleaders were dressed according to proper standards of tzniyus (modesty), but their cheer:

            Lashon Hara, lamed hey!
            We will listen anyway!

went against the grain of the point the producers where trying to make.

    Then the show started, with the panelists discussing the presidential candidates. As expected, Mr. Limbaugh didn’t think very highly of any of the Democratic hopefuls, whereas Mr. Carville was critical of the policies of the President. It didn’t take two long before the criticisms of policies turned into personal attacks about matters not related to the candidates’ ability to lead the country. At the that point, all three rabbis hit their buzzers.

    The first speaker, a well-known Conservative rabbi, provided a nice summary of the issues at hand. Then the Reform rabbi started to speak about the psychological damage caused by lashon hara, citing secular psychologists, as well as giving appropriate Talmudical references.

    This was too much for our Torah Giant, who started screaming something to the effect that even though the Reform Rabbi was probably correct, what right did she have to cite Torah, as she didn’t really believe in it anyway and that she was picking and choosing material to conform with her alien liberal philosophy. Besides, the average 8th grade yeshiva student knew more Gemara than graduates of the Reform so-called “Rabbinical seminaries.”

At this point the Conservative rabbi shouted an analysis of historical and archeological evidence that he claimed proved that most of the rabbis who wrote the Gemara were illiterate, “there’s a reason why it’s called ‘Oral Torah!’”, and so what right does our Torah Giant have to criticize the learning of a fellow rabbi?

    You might think that our Reform Rabbi might appreciate such spirited support, but no, she said (rather rudely, if you ask me) words to the effect that she didn’t need any help from a male human being, she could fight her own fights. Then she turned on the Torah Giant and started taunting him with the words “male chauvinist pig!” and appropriate barnyard sounds.

    This was apparently too much for the Torah Giant. He stood up and quickly left his booth, no longer concerned about whether the air he was breathing was contaminated by a heretic. He then approached his Reform colleague and laid a good left hook on her. This was out of character, to say the least, as this particular Torah Giant is known for his meticulous observance of the laws of n’gi’ah, or the prohibition against touching women who are not close relations. The Conservative rabbi, appalled at such behavior, attempted to be gallant (rather unwisely in view of the Reform rabbi’s stated opinion concerning male gallantry) and broke a chair over the Torah Giant’s head.

    At that point I learned something very interesting. I learned that training in the martial arts is mandatory at the Reform Rabbinical seminaries. When our lady Reform Rabbi started cleaning the clocks of her male colleagues about 20 security guards finally entered the studio and broke things up with their night sticks. By this time, the studio audience was going wild. This was a travesty! It was more like a National Hockey League game, not a Torah Televison production.

    However, some good may have come from this fiasco. While most of the audience appeared to be focused on the rabbis, I saw Messers. Limbaugh and Carrville sitting there bug-eyed, with their jaws dropped in horrified amazement. Then I noticed the two of them talking quietly together, and finally they walked out chatting in what appeared to be a friendly manner. One of them, I don’t remember whether it was Rush or Carrville, did grab a copy of the “Chafetz Chayim” pamphlet on the way out. Since then, the two of them have been doing a two-man political commentary show at 2 AM Sunday mornings on the local public access cable channel. The two of them actually provide useful political commentary, accurately presenting their opinions, and respectfully disagreeing with each other. It would be an excellent way for the average citizen to understand the political issues of the day, except that it is boring as anything. Oh well, can’t have everything, I suppose.

    As for the “Chafetz Chayim Lashon Hara Hour,” it broke all ratings records (for a public-affairs show, at least), and Schlitzer TV is preparing it for syndication. A good concept, but I hope they do a few tweaks, like getting rid of the cheerleaders, and some ground rules for the rabbinical panel.

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