Some time ago, one of my hasidim asked me whether the study of secular science was permitted by the laws of Purim Torah. This is a serious question, so I gave it serious study. I spent much time with expert biologists, chemists, physicists, geologists, and so forth, and from these studies I found that not only is the study of secular science permissible, but it is absolutely necessary in order to observe Purim Torah. So, you say, what did you learn from these agnostic, if not atheist scientists? What insights of Purim Torah can they give us who follow the Mitzvos of Purim with perfect faith? This is what I learned from them:

And this is what the scientists taught me. What are the ingredients of all food? CHONS -- Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Sulfur. And where does CHONS come from? It is recycled endlessly through the universe over time. Yes, the atoms in that so-called "Kosher" hamentaschen from the 7-Mile Market at one time may have been part of Mordechai -- or (G-d forbid) part of Haman (May his name be blotted out.) That so-called "glatt-Kosher" brisket you had for dinner contains atoms that at one time were part of a --- chazzer! Well, a chazzer is treif, and so is that brisket! All food is made up of CHONS, all CHONS is treif, so therefore, all food is treif.

This presents those of us in the Purim Torah Camp with a bit of a problem. How can we continue to represent the only authentic and true form of the Purim Torah of our Fathers if the heretical apikorsim of the Conservative and Reform movements are able to eat food and we aren't? Don't worry. I have assembled the greatest halachic minds of our generation together, and we shall soon come up with a solution within the confines of traditional halacha. This will happen about the same time that we come up with a solution to the problem of agunot and resolve the question of "who is a Jew?" In the meantime, don't eat anything!

Chag Purim Sameach

Your Rebbe

(c) 1995 by Joe Bachman for the Schlitzer Purim Torah Institute

My fellow Chassidim:

I have finally been able to get around to reading the mail that has been piling up in my in-box, and what did I see, but an issue of "Kashrus Kurrents," published by the Baltimore Va'ad Hakashrus, one of America's most reliable kashrus suprvisory agencies.  In Volume XV, N. 4 (Fall 5755-1995) Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, Rabbinic Administrator writes on page 3:

"..or if an animal appeared to be suffering and illness or defect that was determined to be terminal...the animal more than likely would be treif."

(This from and article "Beware:  Glatt may not always mean kosher")

OY!  I have pondered over the meaning of this for some time, and while I have done all in my power to justify leniency in this manner, I have not been able to find a way to do so.  It seems clear to me.  If an animal has a terminal illness, it is treif and cannot be eaten.  Period.  But consider.  If we refrain from slaughtering animals, what will happen to them eventually?  Of course!  They will die of old age!  In fact every animal suffers from a terminal illness called "life" the very moment it is born.  And so it is an undenialable conclusion that 

This includes meat and milk, as well as all of their byproducts.  However fish are an exception, as fish do not require ritual slaughter.  So it is clear:  Jews must immediately become vegans (well, except for fish).  Boy, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are going to be happy about this...As for the rest of you, well, I'll see what I can do.

Your rebbe
 
 

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